I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize