i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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