I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
