I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
