I'm so fucking centered right now
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
there is glitter all over my balls
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