and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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