So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
