i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
