Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
