Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
