The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
