I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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