The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
