You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
