8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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