that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize