you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
