2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
