i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize
