I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize