there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
