He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
