mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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