Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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