I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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