i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
