walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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