So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
