im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
