Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He has the fingertips of a God
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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