I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
