I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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