When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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