You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
