No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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