im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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