Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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