I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
