My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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