So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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