The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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