Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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