I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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