Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
