I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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