Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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