I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
