I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i think i just lost a toe
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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