I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
