my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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