i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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