Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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