You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have already put on my inside pants.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
