After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
