She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
