When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
