Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
