Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
