WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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