Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize