I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
