Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
