My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
