So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
